in retrospect

(i am just back from Ahmedabad,after taking a documentary workshop with 4th yr GDPD.just thought should not deprive my blog from some of the new found musings.hey, beware my students!you are not allowed to feel flattered.it is not because of you all.you were a bunch of pains in the ***!):)

i had never reached Ahmedabad in a plane, ever, in past so many years. i am used to getting off at the railway station, bargaining with autowalla and reaching NID. i would feel full in my heart approaching from the other side of the bridge seeing red brick structures hidden in green on the other side of the Sabarmati. It always felt that i was reaching home. But this time i reached looking from top, smoothly landed, got into a car and looked at Ahmedabad. The old city, Relief road, Elis bridge all looked very different. i felt like a stranger in my own home. i wanted to get off and start walking.

Unsettled as hell i was thinking what am i going to teach? What can a struggler teach? The one who is herself finding where she is going. Series of questions hovered around my head as the car entered the gate and i got off. The security bhai came in front and said, “arrey tum aa gayi?faculty ban ke?”

The earth shook under my feet. Now everything is from a different point of view,i realized and hid myself in the guest room like a stranger guest, wishing i had refused to come. It was all poking me to bring up issues i had stopped confronting and buried deep down my soul but there was no way back now.

So this is how it was.it sounds like making love..in a stormy love affair.i lost and found myself at the same time.

Anxiety wounded me
was dead
was buried

Messed around...

new life, flowered

head full of 1621 violins

heart full of 2356 colours

jumped,thumped,ran,fell, went cautious

Here on i am staying away from nostalgia.Life is going to be straight,looking ahead!i have outgrown, i felt.i missed Pune which i never missed before.and i dont miss ahmedabad anymore,i only manage to remember it.i remember writing to a friend before leaving for ahmedabad, about my own attachment with the place and therefore a feeling of stressful fear to go back and teach.but i guess this goes on.

yes and i enjoyed teaching.

more to come...stay tuned..as you can see, two insomnias is just kicking!


Prachi Mokashi said...

isn't memory a certain kind of nostalgia?...be it in any form...

Junuka said...

na.memory is many grades higher than nostalgia becoz it takes you to newer directions,rather newer connections..nostalgia is limiting.